New Year, New You?

For about a fortnight I've been thinking about what I can say with regards to New Years.
I kicked about a few ideas: evaluating the shocking failure of mine and other people's New Years resolutions; a guide to how to write a good New Years resolution... then I realized that can offer even less advice on those matters than the other things I frequently write about. As someone who can't stick to their own resolutions, I'm not the person to dictate your aspirations.

But it's just turned midnight here, so it's New Years Eve. Having just made a vodka and blackcurrant squash combination (it's not a poor man's Cosmo, it's a street-beggar's Cosmo, but it tastes alright) it feels like the right time to write.

Around this time of year, the saying "New Year, New Me" gets kicked about a lot. But I don't think many people wake up on January 1st suddenly 10lbs lighter with the resurrected Heath Ledger by their side (people wish for that kind of shit, right?)
We're a lot more likely to wake up hungover and vowing that our first resolution is to kick drinking this time - only to give it up as soon as the next chance arises.

To avoid further signature cynicism I am going to cut to the chase.

Whilst I could have said "New Year, New Me" a billion times last December, I spent the first 6 months of 2011 as someone I'd never like to be again.
Until June this year I had been on a relatively low dosage of anti-depressants for two and a half years, for something not entirely related to depression. I knew they weren't working for me because I like to drink, and they don't mix. Like a typically defiant teenager I mixed them anyway, and then a complete bitch always came out to play. I felt like I was sharing my body between two people - someone hell-bent on inflicting misery upon loved ones, and someone constantly apologizing for the infliction and promising to change.

I can't really remember why I decided I'd come off them, or why it took so long. In the Spring I'd taken a go at 'cold turkey' having forgotten them for a few days. I was freezing, sweating, dizzy and distraught. Two friends at the time took charge of telling me what to do: the first babbled a bunch of hippie shit like "keep at it"; the second (who actually has experience with anti-depressants) told me to go home, take two, go to bed, and get out when I felt alright again. I still talk to the second person.

By June I decided I'd give it a proper go. For a very short while I took one every other day, then I stopped taking them altogether. If I'd spoken to a GP they'd have given me half doses and time scales, but I was off them within about two weeks. I was dizzy all the time, and I was scared of the stairs at work in case I passed out on them.

In true "everything all at once" style, I also went through a break-up. I went drinking every night, took up smoking, lost about half a stone and spent every night sleeping in my best friend's bed. I went home for free food and clean clothes. It's not my place to promote all that, but I reckon it helped. It took about 6 weeks, then I was on form. Really, really good things started to happen.

Since all that shit I've found my feet. The other night my friend went, "I was thinking about you in the shower the other day" which is always a weird start to a confession. She told me that in the last 6 months she feels like I've become more of a whole person. Let me tell you now that if you've ever been a half person, someone telling you that is probably the sweetest thing.


Here's where it stops being about me, and starts being about you. No calendar year is going to change you. Essentially, you are the only person who can change you - how much do you want to change? Sometimes the things that are really hard to do will turn out to be the best things you did. If I come anywhere near a belief or life-guidance system, it's that the more you go through, the more you get. Take that however you want, or not at all.

Don't make promises about change that you expect to fulfil overnight, and have as much fun as you can. That's the only resolution advice I can give.

Happy New Years Eve, and worry about next year when it comes.