Letter to no one

Only four days ago, I wouldn't have expected to be sitting in tears wearing a sports bra and hot shorts and bad trainers on Blogspot writing this.

In March I started working out three times a week. It was my boyfriend's recommendation, so that I didn't have to obsess over calories so much if I wanted to stay in shape. My initial excuses were that I "didn't have time" to exercise or I "hate running". As it turned out, I do have the time, and running is alright. I work out from home, following a Womens Health circuit routine and interval running on the treadmill we keep in our garage.

When unexpected events occur, people cope with them in different ways. You may have read in a previous blog that my Grandmother died at the end of last month. I spent some time in Scotland to see her before she died, and then back in Scotland for the funeral. Obviously, this meant I wasn't near the treadmill. My good habits and routines have suffered, and my muscles have got used to the work outs. For weeks I have meant to devise new circuit routines but just feel like I "don't have the time." To cut to the chase - I'm not in the shape I would like to be in. This weekend I am going to a wedding in the North, and I think a lot of women will understand me when I say that I'd like to look pretty awesome. But I do not feel awesome.

So last night I printed a new work out routine to focus on my abs. This is my worst area. Thighs, arms, no problem - I can do anything. But I am pretty weak in the middle.

Anyway this work out is pretty trying and whilst doing some plank arm raises it occurred to me, this is so much effort. I don't know how I am going to keep this up when I'm at University. Suddenly I envisioned six months down the line being two dress sizes bigger again, with zero will power and horrific self esteem, just like six months ago. Then I just cried.

I don't really know what I'm trying to say. I don't think I'm motivating anyone else by writing this.

In about January I wrote a blog about feeling not like myself, and that's how I have felt for the last two days. Like a lot of people, I do get these periods of great upset for no real reason, but May was, by my standards, a very happy month. February, March and April saw days on days of crying and confusion but May was pretty normal.

The irony of the whole thing is that on my last few runs I've wanted to write a blog about how great exercising makes me feel and how glad I am to do it.

Annoyingly, I have injured my foot (not sure what, or how I did it) but it hurts even to do circuits or walk and I'm really not sure about running. I'm debating in my head whether to go for it or try to let it recover, which stresses me out even more.

I don't like writing self-indulgent blogs, please let me off. I have an At-Home-Breakfast-Blog with some photos from the weekend to share when I get the time.
Definitely having an off week. Handle with care, and coffee.


This is one of my favourite songs ever to sing, and it always makes me happier when I do -