Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Quitting Quitting

Today a slight problem of mine was brought to my attention in a heated conversation with my boyfriend:

Kat - I don't want to learn how to drive anymore - I'm not good at it, I can't afford a car and I won't be able to drive in London anyway.
G - You sound like a brat.
(Silence until Sheffield.)

(My face)


It's like a punch in the stomach - when somebody tells you something you probably knew deep down but didn't want to admit.

When I was a kid my parents signed me up to a lot of lessons. Tennis, ballet, piano, swimming club. And you'd think that these days when it comes to the 'extra-curricular' section of my CV I'd have an endless list of medals and conquests. But you'd be wrong.
See, whilst I was signed up, I never managed to stick at anything too long. I remember my first (and only) Irish dancing lesson, at what must have been about six years old. My mum was sat next to me, and the 'big girls' started to dance around the hall partnered with the younger ones so skillfully. Upon seeing their confidence, I told my mum I couldn't do it, I wasn't going to join in, and I wouldn't go to the lessons. Why? Because I was scared that when it was my chance to get up that I'd be rubbish at it.

Over the years I've cut away any commitment to skill, and apparently I didn't even notice. Within art I cut down on my observational drawings and painting when I became aware of how much better other people were compared to me, and now I often opt for strange conceptual ideas, safe in the knowledge that it's a strong point for me.
But when I start my Fine Art degree in September, there'll be someone who can do that better too. And if I creep away, then I can't really imagine what leg I have to stand on.

I don't want to be a quitter, especially when I'm only letting myself down every time. And even if it took having to silently hate my boyfriend for twenty minutes to learn a lesson, then it was worth it.

Because I, Katrina Buchanan, refuse to quit anymore. And even though I'm shit at steering and I stall all the time and I drive at about 2mph in the very centre of the road - I am going to get better - and George, I hope you enjoy this - about as better as a female driver can get.

Buchanan out.

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