I do not doubt that there is a correlation between the amount of spare time I seem to have, the amount of Charlie Brooker I watch, and my cynicism about the human race.
Over the summer I de-activated my Facebook account (though I remained a Twitter enthusiast) and enjoyed a strange world without pressure to enjoy things I don't enjoy, or gain any insights that were not vital to my survival. Upon my return to Facebook (and still a Twitter enthusiast) I came to realize a few things... and so, these are my reasons to support the undeniable fact that social networking has ruined, or is ruining, your lives.
- Not tagged in any drunken photos from this weekend? Well I'm sorry: you clearly have no life. It's a fact. Maybe the club you went to on Friday night didn't have an official photographer. Maybe your mate's camera ran out of battery. But if there are no tagged photos of you looking shit-faced, snogging a stranger or exposing your genitalia, there is no doubt that you're a loser. You also have no friends or prospects. I'm sorry to be the one sharing this ugly truth with you. The Samaritans number is at the bottom.
- You suddenly know an awful lot about popular 'culture' (Regardless of whether or not it should really be considered culture at all.) Maybe you don't tune in to The Only Way Is Essex, Made in Chelsea or X Factor, but you sure as hell know an awful lot about them! Aren't you lucky? This leads me to:
- An X Factor 'coke scandal' is thrust into your face Now, I don't watch X Factor, but I don't need to - because thanks to social networking I know all about some young lad by the name of Frankie who, low and behold, has done coke. No one who lives in or near Oxford should be phased by this whatsoever when all you have to do is go into the lovely Jamacan bar on Cowley Road and within five minutes hear: "mate, you got any cake?" (Yes 'cake', because that's how they say it, don't you know?) There are plenty of individuals who partake in a bit of 'cake' but Twitter never trends about them, and I bet they're feeling really left out now. As for the people who really thought these geezers wanted a nice slice of Victoria Sponge - you must feel like a right tit now.
- You know a lot of intimate and boring details about that bird who you met at... hang on, how do you know her again? Perhaps she 'just got out of the bath' or 'spent too much online.' God forbid she just 'ate a pizza'! Of your 769 Facebook 'friends', you probably met 30% of them on nights out that you can't remember, an extra 40% are friends of friends who you have no intention of meeting, and if you're lucky a whopping 30% of these people are actually your friends in real life! As for Twitter followers, a lot of those people who are so interested in those really exciting things you have to say are actually automatically tuned to follow you (or something high tech like that.) Sent a Tweet about being at Goring & Streatly train station? 'Goring & Streatly' is now following you on Twitter. Of course, if anyone is actually behind this account they might notice that your Tweet actually read "stuck in some shithole called Goring & Streatly", prepare to lose a follower.
- The silent competition that is: Exam Results Day Gone are the days of worrying thatCambridge won't have you and you'll spend the next 3 years of your academic life at your second choice University - why oh why did you pick Barnsley Polytechnic of Really Obscure Subjects anyway? Oh no, your main worry on results day is "I hope Kevin didn't get three A*'s too because if 12 people like his gloating Facebook status and only 11 like mine then I might as well just be going to Barnsley Polytechnic of Really Obscure Subjects anyway."
- Returning his stuff in a box? Make sure you delete all the photos of you eating each others faces off first. Even the break up has been revolutionized by social networking. It's not your fault that he cheated on you with that fat bird who works in the Post Office, and of course you need some time to cry about it, stay in bed, eat several boxes of Quality Street... but first you have to delete every bit of evidence that you were ever together. If you fail to do so then please, by your third day of moping around, expect fat Shelley to come to your house and punch you in the nose. Shelley's the only girl who gets to eat Kevin's face! He's off to Cambridge after all and who doesn't want a posh boyfriend who studies at Cambridge?
These are only a few of the less angry-comment-provoking opinions I have about social networking. Maybe I'll save some more for a rainy day. In the meantime: What do you hate most about social networking?
DISCLAIMER: This post is almost 100% tongue in cheek but it might offend you a bit. If it does, my best advice is not that you leave me any feedback, but that you go get a therapist for your inability to take a joke - even a badly written, long winded joke by someone who took no essay writing subject further than AS level, and cannot tell jokes.
Kevin and Shelley, characters appearing in this work, are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
As promised, you can contact the Samaritans best by following this link http://www.samaritans.org/talk_to_someone.aspx
They're a lovely bunch and will help convince you that your life really is worth living, even though you have no evidence that you were wankered at the weekend.
You write excellently.
ReplyDelete